If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
