i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
my nose is crying tears of wow.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
