i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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