TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize