Ambien. No doubt about it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
