All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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