omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
