Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
