I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
