four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
