This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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