i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
