If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
