I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
