Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
