nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
