Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize