I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
