glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
