I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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