Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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