Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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