Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
