He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Is Oprah even human
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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