You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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