Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
