the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
