Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm sobbing to NWA
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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