He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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