I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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