my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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