Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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