i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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