if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
