Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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