I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
