for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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