I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
