Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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