i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
