I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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