I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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