I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
