she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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