I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
COCAINE IS GR8
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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