I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
