every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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