Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
