Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
