Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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