K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
