so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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