I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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