just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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