if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
