i love accidental penises.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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