mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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