What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
