So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
